Understanding and Accepting
by jesska loves
Summary: David Karofsky needs to learn to understand and accept himself. His sister is willing to help, but he needs to open up and tell her what exactly happened first. - Rated for mentions of attempted suicide and slight language.


_**Understanding and Accepting  
**David Karofsky_

* * *

Ellenore Karofsky sits in an uncomfortable plastic chair in the waiting room of the Lima Emergency Room for what feels like years. It's late, well past midnight, and the room is empty, save for some homeless guy who swears he's a doctor and _knows_ that his foot needs to get checked out, because toes just shouldn't look the way his do.

She's been there since 8:25 the night previous when the ambulance _finally_ pulled up to the doors.

She hasn't seen her brother's (unmoving, pale) form since then.

Try as she might, Ellenore can't sleep – or won't, because she's sure to have nightmares. She just sits and waits, her eyes burning and her body shaking. She doesn't know what to do with herself. She called her dad, who'd gone out of town the previous morning, and he was currently waiting to board the first plane back from New York, which was taking much longer than they'd hope due to weather. _Of course_. And so she waits.

The next time she looks at the clock, it's nearly seven AM and sunny. It's now Sunday morning, and people begin coming into the waiting room.

A nurse comes to her, knowing who she is (because really, she's the only person who's been there for almost twelve hours), and escorts her into the general hospital area, telling her "your brother's stable and we've moved him…" but Ellenore ignores her after this; she just needed to know that he was okay.

She sits outside of the room that they brought her to with her head down. She's exhausted and hates the smell of hospitals – too sterile and oppressing. She probably dozes off a bit, as she doesn't notice the girl that approaches her until she feels a tap on her shoulder.

She looks up to see the face of a girl, maybe a bit older than herself, asking her about something. She's wearing a scrub and is obviously a high school community service worker.

"Sorry?"

"I asked if you wanted some pretzels. You look pretty pale," the girl says. When Ellenore sits up a bit more properly, she sees the girl's eyes go to the front of her much too large sweatshirt. "You go to McKinley?" she asks.

Ellenore shakes her head, "no, this is my older brother's. I go to a private girls' school a couple miles outside town," she tells her.

The girls smiles brightly and sticks out her hand. "My name is Rachel Berry. I go to McKinley myself. I'm here as a volunteer. I hand out snacks and offer my support to anyone who looks like they need it." Ellenore finds her pep to be a bit grating, but that could be just the circumstances, as she's usually rather peppy herself. So she bites her tongue and smiles, albeit forced, in return.

Rachel's smile fades the slightest and she takes a seat on the ground next to Ellenore. "Sorry, I can be a bit much. I'm trying to work on it. Who are you here for? What's your name?" She sounds genuinely curious and concerned, and Ellenore feels her tensed bones loosen just a bit.

She takes a deep breath and answers, "Ellenore. My name is Ellenore. I'm here because of my big brother. He… well, he's in this room." She can't bring herself to say it. Because really, it's her big brother who's always been the strong one, always been her number one, her protector, and she's had too much stress in the past day to say it.

Rachel's smile falls, and she looks hesitant when she asks her next question.

"If I'm not being rude or too forward, could you tell me… your brother's name? I might know him from school."

Biting her lip, Ellenore decides that the least she can do is tell Rachel, as she is going out of her way to make her feel better. And so the name just rolls off of her tongue, the way it always used to when she would tell her friends about all that he did in school and on sports. "David… Dave Karofsky."

Ellenore can see the moment when Rachel makes the realization, and she immediately knows that Rachel is a victim of Dave's bullying, the one bad part of his character. Before she can stop herself, Rachel turns her head, in an effort to gather the sympathy she needs for her job.

"What… I mean, what happened to him? Why's he here?" She asks, worried now that she really is prying too much, but really, she needs to know. Dave Karofsky the bully, the boy who drove Kurt to transferring to Dalton Academy. Rachel had her own suspicions to what was going on in Karofsky's head since his near-expulsion, as things had been… different since the incident.

Ellenore was once again staring at her shoes and the tiled floor below them. She couldn't say it. Especially to someone Dave obviously knew. _Knows_, she reminds herself. He's okay and there is no past tense.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern for me and what happened to my brother, but I can't. It's – it's not my place. And I'm sure you'll hear about it soon enough." Ellenore gets up from her spot on the floor, and begins to open the door to her brother's room, because really, it's about time she goes to see him, but Rachel stops her.

"I understand. I'm sorry for prying. And whatever it is…" she stops to take a breath, as if deciding what she thinks, "I hope your brother will be okay." She smiles, a small, pitying, almost apprehensive smile, before turning and walking off down the hall.

Ellenore takes a breath before walking into the room, steeling herself for the sight that's bound to greet her.

* * *

Three days later, David Karofsky still sat in his hospital bed, but he had long been awake.

In those same three days, his younger sister Ellenore Karofsky had left his side only to eat and go home and sleep. She had skipped school in order to stay and watch over him.

The doctors said that he was physically okay, but wouldn't be able to play sports for a while. Mentally and emotionally, however, he was a wreck. They requested he attend counseling sessions and a possible peer help group. After the first month, in which they suggested at least two sessions with a therapist a week, the doctors requested biweekly meetings.

William McKinley High School had been informed of an "accident," as they called it, and it seemed that the students were none the wiser. The only people who really knew what happened were the school board, Principal Figgins and Coach Bieste.

"Hey David," Ellenore greeted her brother on the morning of his fourth day in the hospital when she entered his room. "Sleep well?"

He looked at her, with red eyes and a far away expression. He didn't respond. She hadn't expected him to.

Ellenore put some flowers by the window sill, which David hated. He claimed they were too girly, too gay. Ellenore would just smile sadly and give him a kiss on the cheek. She knew about it all, now. He knew she knew, but he was still in denial and refused to talk about it.

"So, I was thinking. We need to talk, Davy," she said, and when she noticed his expression of anger, added, "you know we do. You couldn't have honestly expected me to just let it go. After everything that's happened, I deserve just one conversation."

"There's nothing to talk about," he said, voice strained. He hadn't been doing much talking since he was hospitalized. It was easier to just stay silent.

Ellenore stared at him, bitter and angry but at the same time concerned and terrified. "Nothing to talk about, huh? David, you tried to kill yourself. This isn't just going to go away." It made her chest clench around her heart to say the words aloud, and she was getting herself so worked up, but she _needed_ him to talk to her, to let her know _why_ he'd done it.

He just shut his eyes and turned his head, blocking out the image of his little sister.

Ellenore moved and sat on the side of Dave's bed, grabbing onto his hand. "Dave, please. I want to help you, and I want to understand why you did it. I'm not asking for anything else. I don't even care if you hate me for the rest of our lives. But I need to know." She bit her lip, hoping that he would answer her.

"I could never hate you." He told her simply. And she couldn't help smiling slightly to herself, as he still refused to look at her.

"And I could never hate you. No matter what."

He turned to look at her, and she noticed just how different he looked now. When they were younger, and even up until only months previous, he had always been her protector. He was the big, strong one who loved her more than anyone else in the world. But now he looked broken and weak. She was the one who needed to be strong and protect him, now. Their dad loved them and always would, but he was so formal with everything that it was hard to open up to him. And so they had each other, and Ellenore would do anything to help her brother.

"Listen, Elle. I don't know what to say to you that won't make you angry or sad," he told her, hopelessly. He looked away from her, towards the ceiling, but didn't turn away.

She squeezed his hand, encouraging him to go on. To speak.

"Please, Dave. I really want to know. It's okay to be angry and sad. And I promise I'll listen, no matter what," she said.

He turned to her, and began.

"I know you know – about my problem," he said, and he saw her wince at the word _problem_, but he continued on anyway. "I just. I didn't know what to do, you know? I didn't want to be like that. That kind of thing just isn't okay with most of the guys, and who knows how dad would react. So I pretended that I wasn't feeling like that at all.

"I started bullying people more often. And I know you hate that I do that, and I'm sorry," he said, noticing her change in expression. It was true: she had been begging him to stop with his harassment since she found out about it when he started high school. "But that was the only thing that was keeping my mind off of you know what. And those Glee kids were the perfect targets, you know? They were all singing and dancing and hell, they should have just been wearing targets on their backs and carrying signs that said "We love gays!" for all they were doing.

"And Hummel... I don't know. He just got me so angry every time I saw his stupid face." He was about to continue, but Ellenore interrupted him.

"Hummel, that's Kurt, right? The boy who transferred to Dalton?"

"Yeah, that's him. The only gay kid in the whole school," he said, but with a look from Elle, he changed his wording, "the only _out_ gay kid in the whole school." She nodded at him, silently telling him to go on.

"I don't know why. But the fact that he was so confident and flamboyant just got on my nerves. He freaking wore girl's clothes, I mean come on. And so I targeted him. And things just kind of... got out of hand."

He stopped there, and Ellenore knew that he was about to tell her something that he hadn't told anyone else. She could tell by the scared look on his face and his ragged breath.

"One day, he fought back. Called me names and told me that I was just ignorant and couldn't punch the gay out of him and stuff. It was just him and me in the locker room, and I just – I snapped. And then," he paused and looked away, ashamed, and finished "I kissed him."

"Oh, Dave..." Ellenore began, in an attempt to comfort him, anything, but he stopped her.

"He was terrified. He looked like I had just shot a puppy or something. And I ran. And then he got this guy from that stupid private school to come to McKinley and tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to him, because seriously? I didn't know what to do. And then, after that, I threatened him. I told him if he told anybody, I'd kill him. But I swear, Elle, it was an empty threat, I didn't mean it!" He told her at the shocked look on her face.

"I just... I didn't know what to do. Everything was just getting out of hand and I got scared. And then I got expelled, and when I went back... he was gone. Transferred."

David looked tired, and ashamed. Ellenore was still trying to process everything he'd told her, but she couldn't let him stop there. He'd only told half of the story, she knew. "Davy. Please tell me what happened after Kurt transferred."

He didn't look happy about it, but he finished informing her. "All of his friends were pissed at me. They all kept giving me looks in the hall and yelling at me. The guys on the team, which is all of the guys in the Glee Club, threatened me. Shoved me. And I didn't do anything, 'cause I knew it was my fault. I made Hummel leave the school, and I deserved whatever I had coming.

"They let up after about a week. The one girl, with the loud mouth and attitude, Rachel I think is her name, I think she noticed that I wasn't fighting back. I think she kind of got them to stand up to me in the first place, so she got them to stop. I kept noticing her giving me weird looks in the halls, like she was trying to figure me out. But I ignored her.

"I stopped talking to everyone, even Azimio and the other guys, and I stopped doing my homework, and then I just started skipping classes. Coach Bieste told me if I didn't cut it out I'd be off the team, and then the Cheerios coach, Sylvester, started picking on everything I did at practice. So I left. That was on Friday."

Ellenore looked away – she knew what was coming next. Saturday, the pivotal day. She braced herself for what Dave would say next.

"After you left on Saturday to hang out with your friends and dad went to New York, I took a walk around town. And I saw Hummel. He was hanging out with the Glee kids and a couple guys from Dalton. I tried to turn and walk the other way, but he saw me. And he looked terrified, and Rachel saw me, too. And then I booked it. They all probably saw me by the time I got away. But the look on his face, Elle. He was so happy, and then... The look on his face when he saw me was awful. And I knew I'd done it. And I hate saying it, but whatever this feeling is, whether it's a crush on him or not, it just made me want to throw up and cry. And I couldn't handle it."

Now he really was near tears, and Ellenore had no clue what to do. So she just sat and waited for her brother to calm himself down, and to either tell her more or not.

He decided that if he started the story for her, he'd finish it. He shut his eyes before continuing, "so I went back home. I couldn't really breathe, like I felt like I was suffocating or drowning with out the water. And I went into the bathroom and got sick, and I don't know. I was angry and I didn't know what I was doing. So I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the first bottle of pills I could, hell, I don't even know what it was -"

"-dad's sleeping pills," Ellenore cut in, looking away.

Dave bit his lip. He didn't even know his dad still took sleeping pills. But he went on, "and then... it all went black. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in this bed and I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

His comment was off-handed and stupid, but it brought a small smile to Ellenore's face. "You looked like you got hit by a truck," she said, "but Dave... I don't think you realize how much it means to me. That you told me what happened. I'm being serious. Thank you."

She leaned over and kissed his cheek, giving his hand a squeeze. He smiled at her, and even though he knew this was all far from over (what with the future therapy visits, the inevitable family and friend interrogation, and the apology he knew he had to make to Kurt Hummel and his friends), he felt a bit better, because his little sister knew and still loved him.

* * *

David Karofsky was released from the hospital two days later. He was visited every day by his sister Ellenore and his father, but a surprise came with the visit of one Rachel Berry when neither of his family members were there. She brought him flowers and a football magazine that she took from her boyfriend's house. She told him she knew, and that she was sorry, and that when he was feeling better, she knew some people who would be willing to help – not professionals, but two men who sort of knew what he was going through.

He felt like he needed to scoff at her words, make a rude comment about her heritage or her friends or anything, but Dave had decided he wouldn't be that jerk off anymore, and instead accepted the invitation and thanked her for everything. He even apologized and promised a nice gesture when he returned to school. She smiled, big and genuine, and left.

Dave returned to William McKinley High School two weeks later. Most people didn't know of his attempted suicide, and even less people knew why it had happened. He didn't bully a single person, or even give any mean looks. He avoided most people, because his therapist said it was better to avoid confrontation for the time being. He went right up to Rachel Berry in the middle of the hallway, gave her a few flowers Ellenore had helped him pick out, and thanked her. Then he walked off to practice, feeling a little bit better about himself.

He still had to apologize to Hummel – to Kurt – but that would take some time, especially considering how far away he was, still attending Dalton. But Dave promised himself he would find the time, and he would make things right. It was the only way to put his life on the right track again, to be a better person. He was ready to be who he really was, not who he thought others wanted him to be.

He was ready for the next few months of high school, even if everything about it changed, or was a living hell. David Karofsky had already done the worst possible thing he could imagine doing to himself and to another person, and he was ready to turn that around.

* * *

_Damn these formatting problems I'm having!  
Anyway, this is my first published fanfiction in about... I'd say five years? And my writing style has definitely matured._

_I wrote this story because I'm completely immersed in this Glee storyline with Dave Karofsky. I think it's tragic and wonderful so far, and I'm excited for how it'll turn out. It's an interesting story, no doubt about it, and I hope the writers do something worthy of the great actors and characters they have in front of them. I love Kurt and I hope Karofsky's character is handled in the right way and, in the end, redeemed. I'm very excited for all of this._

_While I'd appreciate feedback, I'm just glad that somebody is reading the story. While it could be continued, I think I want to leave this where it is - it's the beginning of a journey for Karofsky, as he's only just starting to understand and accept himself, which I think is what's important. Any questions, comments and concerns are welcome, and finally thank you :)_


End file.
